Many of you read my post “The Year my Brain Broke.” I am planning on following it up with the steps I am taking to reclaim my brain. It’s working so far! This is the first of the follow-ups. I’m calling this the ‘guilt’ post.
Perhaps some of you out there can relate to this – the guilt you feel when you aren’t doing anything. Perhaps it comes from life as a business owner (I owned a cafe for 6 years – I still own it, but hubby took over the running of it after I broke my brain.). Perhaps it comes from life as a driven individual who tends towards workaholism. Perhaps it comes from having so many juggling balls in the air that you are sure you can’t stop for fear of dropping them all.
Regardless of where it comes from – it sucks. Not being able to switch off because you keep thinking ‘there has to be something I should be doing’ is difficult. It results in the brain being wired and me being tired and unable to achieve anything anyway. I spread myself so thin that I was doing everything to a mediocre level and doing nothing to an outstanding level anymore.
Not how I want to live life. I felt so guilty about switching off that sleep even became an issue.
Two months ago, I got issued with an order: Get well, write the clients book and do nothing else. I wanted to do it for the sake of my health. But I am the first to say it’s been a difficult transition to make. Every time I see hubby at work, I feel guilty that I am not helping or doing something to assist. If he stays up late, I stay up late worrying. Its a horrible cycle and I had to break it.
They say acknowledging the problem is half the problem, don’t they? Well here is my acknowledgement:
If I stay tired and burned out, I am not at my best in any way. I am not the best wife I can be. I am not the best writer I can be. I am not the best sister, friend, housekeeper, dreamer or daughter I can be. The best work I can do is breaking the negative cycle of workaholism and ‘wideness’ that I have developed. The best thing I can do is learn to live life, not just work my way through it.
I’ll be straight up with you. Even though I have made that acknowledgement, I still feel guilty when hubby works late and I don’t. But I am learning not to do that. I am learning that its okay to enjoy life and not feel guilty about what I should be doing instead.
So this week, hubby and I escaped for a few days to the lovely Philip Island. We went with a couple of friends and its been great! The most work I have done is this blog post and I like that. I can do this. I can un-break my brain.